Friday, October 30, 2009


I set up a profile on OkCupid, then aborted it a day later. This is becoming a pattern.

We all know what OkCupid is, right? Good. I liked the slightly edgy, slightly risqué interface, even if all the breezy hipsterism sometimes comes off as belabored. The questions and quizzes seemed harmless and fun, as most things like that are, so I took the Dating Persona Test. And here's my result:

The Last Man on Earth
Shit, rejected again. You are The Last Man on Earth.

Sorry, but most men would rather see the human species wither to an end--
and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have--
than sleep with you.

Follow the link for the rest of the description. Once the test slaps you with this "persona," it's stuck to your profile. You can't remove it.

I suppose the hip thing to do would be to laugh it off. Or rather, the hip thing is to laugh at the people who get this result. I'm sure that's what the creator of the test (also one of the creators of the site), Chris Coyne, was thinking when he wrote it. He's a former Harvard undergraduate, so you know he's a bad person; I was a Harvard undergraduate at the same time, and I remember him. He had more hair back then, whereas now he seems to think he can hide the incipient baldness by subjecting the blond wisps he still possesses to a violent tousling:
Or is he just in a strong wind?

I deleted my account because I didn't want to let Chris Coyne brand me with the electronic equivalent of an L on my forehead. I might seem overly sensitive, but it's because I've already had a lot of experience being singled out for ridicule by cool kids like Chris. This reminds me of the great line from Heathers where Winona Ryder asks Christian Slater "You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life." And then she shoots him.

Some of Chris's dating profiles are clever, sure, but he didn't even do a decent job of adapting "The Last Man on Earth" description for gay men. Originally it was "most women would rather see the human species wither to an end--and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have--than sleep with you"; with "men" it doesn't work, because gay sex does not actually help to propagate the species. And is Chris suggesting that gays lack an instinct fundamental to living creatures? That homosexuality is therefore unnatural?

Maybe we should all boycott his site. Cheers, Chris!

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